Monday, September 20, 2010

My first trip to the sex toy store.

 I have always lived a sheltered life. I have gone from living in one very small town, to the rural life, and that's it! I don't get out much, and my sex life with hubby, is non-eventfully normal.
  Now, my best friend Guinevere, she has always lived in a small town, but this girl THRIVES on sex, wild kinky, holyshitdopeoplereallydothatstuff kinda sex. She says my sex life would be described as vanilla. I say hers would be a combination of rocky road and chunky monkey.
  One day while running an errand with her, we decide that it was high time I actually went into a sex toy shop. Yep, at that time I was 40 years old, and never been in a sex toy kind of establishment...ever. She decides that was just a pitiful shame, and wants to expand my mind.
  We walk in, and I'm assaulted by numerous outfits hanging on the wall, that I can only explain as "stripper-ish", complete with pasties. I was instantly in awe of it all. She giggles, and takes me down the numerous aisles of different types of toys. After I got over my initial prudish shock, I was able to actually look at things without the desire to run from the store. Honestly, many things just scared the crap out of me, other things I was all "OMG, they really make stuff like this".
  The aisle of "toys for the men" was what really threw me. On this one display table sat a giant ikidyounot silicone ass! We looked at it, had to touch the cheeks..laughed a little, and then Guinevere moved on.
  I stood there, staring at that giant silicone ass in total wonder. Then the strangest thing happened and I was completely overcome with the urge to stick my index finger in the giant silicone ass. I don't know why. So I quickly moved a little further away and continued to browse. Then my eyes would land on my perfectly manicured index finger, then drift back toward the giant silicone ass, then to my finger, then slowly back toward the ass. It's as if I had lost all control of my senses and judgement.
  I quickly daydreamed exactly what would happen if I did indeed place my index finger in that silicone ass, which I was certain now that I was going to do.
  Daydream option 1. I approach, gently place my finger in the ass, and something CHOMPS down on it, effectually removing my finger just below the nail. I pull it out bloody, scared, but too afraid to admit to anyone around me there was a problem because..well hell, I had just put my finger in a giant silicone ass. I picture myself walking around, and see two other people with amputated fingers, then look up at the perk little cashier and she has a smug look of "Oh..I see what you did and that's how we handle your kind of weirdos in here" on her face. I picture the cops being called and next thing ya know, I'm a registered silicone ass sex offender.
  Option 2. I approach and gently place my finger in the giant silicone ass. This time, nothing chomps down, all is well until I try to pull my finger out, and it clamps down on me like a Chinese finger puzzle. I try in vain to pull my finger out, but the ass just gains a tighter grasp around my finger. In a panic, I yell to my friend, which in turns gets the attention of the cashier. The cashier grabs the microphone by her register and loudly announces to the entire store "Bob, we have another nut job with her finger stuck in the giant silicone ass in aisle 3. Release her finger and remove her from the store". I picture the cops being called and next thing ya know, I'm a registered silicone ass sex offender.
  Option 3. I approach and gently place my finger in the giant silicone ass. This time, nothing chomps down, the finger can easily be removed, but as I pull it out I notice it is stained bright neon purple. I try my best to hide it as we finish browsing the store. My girlfriend makes her purchase, asks me for some odd change, I reach into my purse for the coins..the cashier notices and yells loudly "PURPLE FINGER..SHE HAS HAD HER FINGER IN THE GIANT SILICONE ASS" then asks me to leave the store after she hands me a sticker that says "Registered Silicone Ass Sex Offender". I wear it for the rest of my life like The Scarlet Letter.

   I notice that while daydreaming, my feet have brought right back to the giant silicone ass and my finger is slowly making it's way to the hole in it completely against my will. I quickly look around to make sure no one is watching me. My finger slowly enters the hole. There is no chomp, no tightening as I pull it out. Whew. I slowly hold my finger up to get a look at it, as if pointing to the ceiling. I would say as if pointing to Heaven, but after what my finger just did to that giant silicone ass, it didn't deserve to point to heaven. I closely examine it. No purple dye, no brown marks (kinda thought there would be *shrug*) and I turn my nail to look at it and the manicure was still perfect. Just then as I was inspecting the nail on my up-raised, pointed up finger, my focus drifted back to the background. And there she stood, the woman who had witnessed my shame, looking at me with a barely composed grin on her face. SHIT, someone actually witnessed my finger molestation of the giant silicone ass.
   What does one do in this situation. My finger is still before my face pointed up. So...I glance back from her to my finger, the back to her, and wave at her with my finger tip. She burst out laughing and walks away.

  Later that evening Hubby and I have this conversation:
Hubby: "So what did you think of the toy store today?" while he suppresses a giggle that I would even dare enter such an establishment.
Me: " It was interesting as hell. OH, and I molested a giant silicone ass with my right index finger" and hold up said finger for him to inspect.
Hubby "You did what?"
Me: "I put this finger here(waving in back in forth in front of his nose), in a giant silicone ass's asshole!"
Hubby: "Why?" laughing out loud by now.
Me: "Something just made me do it, and now I'm kinda disappointed they didn't give me the sticker after all"
Hubby: "What sticker?" obviously confused now
Me: "You know, the "Silicone Ass Sex Offender" sticker!!"
Hubby: "They don't  have those, I think."
Me: "Well they should, because after all that, I think I deserve one."
Hubby: "What the hell are you talking about?"

And that folks, is my "The day I molested a giant silicone ass" story. Pffft. Vanilla...not me. More like VANILLA...with SPRINKLES!!!!!!!!!!! Ya.
Thank You Guiny!!!

1 comment:

  1. Because life is not complete unless someone molests a naked silicone ass. Hahaha.

    I am Fickle Cattle.